I understand!  There is nothing more terrifying then finding out you are pregnant and are going to be responsible for a little person for the rest of your life.  How is that possible when I just started figuring out how to be responsible for myself?  Granted for me, we were not “planning” to have a baby, but we weren’t not planning either.  We knew it was a possibility.  When it actually happened the years of being programed as a Catholic girl to NOT get pregnant were hard to shake. Telling my parents and in-laws was terrifying.  Never mind that I was married and it was actually a part of our vows.  

I think that God knew what He was doing when He gives you nine months to get used to the idea that a baby is coming.  It is just the right amount of time. 

Then you give birth.  And your world changes.  From the experience, the emotions, the hormones and the overwhelming exhaustion.  T couldn’t wait to get me and B home from the hospital.  He had the car packed hours before we were discharged.  He was bouncing off the walls.  He wanted his family around him and safe at our house.  I loved him for it.  

I did not share these feelings.  I wanted to stay at the hospital.  There were doctors, nurses, there were others.  When we went home it was us.  Just us.  Us and this little person who was a part of me only days before.  That first night home we were sitting in our living room.  B was sleeping in his bassinet.  We didn’t have the TV on, no music.  Just sitting.  T looked at me and asked what was wrong and I just burst into tears because I didn’t know how I could do this for the next 18 years.  Which only made me cry harder because I really had only left my parents house when I was married at 28.  That was 10 more years.   

Luckily T is a very rational person and he said something that night that made all the difference in the world to me as a mother.  It is not about the rest of our lives.  It is about this moment.  Right now.  Right now he is sleeping.  He is peaceful, he is resting.  We will worry about what to do when he cries then.  Not now.  There is nothing we can do now to fix a future problem.  And that is so true.  Everything about being a parent is in the now.  You handle things that occur at that moment.  There is no way to foresee the future.

 Like today. B wanted to paint.  So we got him some paper and new paintbrushes.  I put the paper on his easel on the porch, gave him his paints and told him to stay on the paper.  About 15 minutes later he was finished.  I got some of the bills paid.  J was still napping.  It was a good afternoon.  I went to see what he painted on the paper.  There were a few lines and scribbles.  Normal 3 1/2 year old art.  Then he showed me the “grass” he painted.  That is when I turned and saw the picnic table bench T had made pre-children covered with green paint.  How do you plan for that?  How do you react to that?  He was so proud of his grass until he saw my face looking at the “art” and he hid his face in the door leading into the house.  He knew he was wrong.  I didn’t yell but told him he would have to clean it all up.  So he spent the next 15 minutes cleaning the green grass off of our bench with warm soapy water.  He did a good job. (Side note:  This is also the same table that he “jack hammered” with a fireplace poker and nearly stabbed his toe off on.  It has lovely little punch holes on the top of the table now.)

So anyway, being afraid of being a parent is normal.  There should be a fear.  And I think that all “good” parents have that fear.  And really it is not fear but respect for human life and how precious it is and how we don’t want to screw it up.  

As for babies being boring.  You are correct.  They are.  But the boring is wonderful sometimes.  And like T told me.  It is about the moment you are in. Not the one that just happened and not the moments that haven’t.  

Being a parent is the hardest thing I have ever done.  Ever.  But it is the most wonderful thing I have done too.  When you are  ready, or as in my case, God thinks you are, you will face your fears and experience something truly magical.

I am okay with this.  I love PIXAR movies.  They tell great stories, they have great dialogue.  I enjoy watching them over and over and over again.  I really don’t get tired of them.  Which is great, since I have children and that makes them happy.  

Today was THE day.  We are home from a wonderful vacation to the beach.  Both boys took naps.  Granted J was so excited he didn’t sleep very long.  Only about 2 hours.  Which sounds like a lot, but I have serious napping children.  He usually sleeps 3.  J woke up calling for me as loud as he could.  I walked in the room and he is sitting in his crib with Blanket in his lap.  And says, “Wall*E, Mommy, Daddy, Bobby and ME!”  which translates to, “We are going to see Wall*E!”  He was sooooo ready.  He got his shoes, he got Bobby’s shoes, he got my shoes and Daddy’s shoes.  He ran to his car seat.  He sat still to get buckled in.  He pointed the way to the movies.  

We arrived and the posters are hung, the huge display Wall*E is in the lobby.  He says “Hi Wall*E” to all of them.  He gets his kiddie popcorn, drink and Skittles.  We walk in to our seats just in time for the the previews.  He is absolutely still in my lap.  The movie starts.  Giggles, smiles, cries of Wall*E, Eve!  For the first 10 minutes.  Which is longer then any of the previews of the this movie.  

Then he discovered the flip up seats.  When I was a theatre major and in a children’s show or two at Longstreet, I would remember seeing these tee, tiny little children in the audience.  One second they were sitting fine and then, Whoosh, all you could see were heads and feet where their ears were supposed to be.

Apparently, this is great fun.  Much more fun then watching a movie.  Also slightly disruptive especially when J starts yelling “NO!  Seat! Mine!” as I tried to stop him.  So T had to take J out and they spent the rest of the movie walking around outside.  Luckily B was entranced.  He loved it.  I loved it.  I want to go back without the “target audience” to actually watch the movie, but seeing as how we will watch it a bajillion times when we get the DVD around Christmas I think we might save our money.  

At least one part has.  It was the part his son quoted today during his memorial service when he was speaking about loss.  Tim Russert said to one of his friends who suffered the tragic loss of a child, that if you knew when God gave you this boy that you would have only 17 years with him would you still want to know the boy.  Of course the answer is yes.  Always yes.  Not that I am a morbid person, or think the worse every day, but part of how I function as a parent is knowing that anytime something could happen and I try to live each day making sure that hopefully something doesn’t happen, but also hoping that the time I have with my children is worth it. The idea that at any time they could be called home to heaven is a sickening thought, but as I put them to bed each night I am thankful for the day we had and pray for many more.  So even though I didn’t know Tim Russert he helped frame my “thinking” about being a parent. 

As I watched Luke Russert talk about his father this week, I have been struck time and again by how composed, well spoken and lovely he his.  I don’t know him, I am sure he has made choices that weren’t so great, but I have thought time and again, that if my boys turned out like him I would be so proud to say they were my children.  Luckily, Luke Russert had a father who told him that, in person, in writing and on film. 

There is also something about seeing someone who shares your same faith who was so loved, adored and respected being honored for who they were.  There is a commanality about being Catholic.  We may not have gone to the same parish but we went to the same Sunday Mass.  We knew the same things, we understood about being taught by nuns who were always, always watching.  There are so many things to be ashamed about in the Catholic Church.  But there are things to be proud of as well and this week Tim Russert brought to light some of those things and for that I am eternally grateful.   

Today we went to the library downtown, known in our house as “The Big Library.”  We have one up the street from us that we will bike to on occasion.  Personally, I love doing that.  It is something I dreamed about being able to do as a child.  Ride my bike and get books at the same time was the idea of heaven for a tom girl, book lover like me.  

The boys like doing that as well but “The Big Library” is their favorite place.  For one it is indeed big.  It has moving stairs, aka escalators.  And the biggest draw of all, they have scissors.  They have pieces of recycled paper, glue sticks, crayons and the much beloved scissors.  B could stay there forever.  J loves the puzzles and the huge over sized stuffed animals that every child in Cola Town has loved as well.  Thank goodness breastfeeding sets kids up with immunity systems of steel.  

Oh and of course they have books.  Lots of books.  I love that they adore books.  It is hard to see if you are doing things right as a parent much of the time, but with this we have done something right.  

B cracks me up now because he has realized he really can’t read the words on the pages.  We used to give him books after we finished reading to him for him to read to himself and he would quietly sit and look at the pages and pretend to read.  Now when we tell him that, he will cry and say, “But I don’t know what the words are saying, I need you for that.”  

J will still read to himself.  He loves animals so most of his favorite book have animals in them.  You will here from his room, “At the zoo, they bite!” He says that for every animal, on every page, in every book.  Mostly he is right.  They are at the zoo and most animals do indeed bite.

Today on the ride to the library B and I had a conversation that went mostly like this:

Me:  There is the hospital where you guys were born.

B:  Why did you go to the hospital? Did the firemen come for you?

Me:  No, Daddy drove me there because that is where the doctors helped deliver you.

B:  Was I in your tummy?

Me: Yes.

B:  How did I come out?

Me:  Well, I pushed you out of me.  It was a lot of work but worth it.

Pause

B:  Mommy?

Me:  Yes?

B:  I love kittys.

J:  At the zoo! They bite!

Overall it was a good night.  Earlier we headed down to the pool after running errands and barely got in when it started to thunder.  I had packed a picnic supper for the boys in case they got hungry while we were down there and we took shelter under the picnic shelter to wait out what we thought would be a quick summer thunderstorm.   God had other plans though and we sat for over an hour with lightening coming down right around us.  It is awe inspiring to say the least.  I also have an irrational fear of lightening but I did alright.   We told the boys that the angels were bowling.  B thought they must be very good since they were so loud.  J just hid under his towel for most of it but was fine by the end.  I knew I was covered so I felt safe.  It wasn’t until we thought we could ride home on our bikes during a break that I freaked.  I saw a bolt in the distance and took off.  T had the boys in the trailer so I knew they were safe, but I took off.  So much for the maternal instinct.  Then I thought well maybe it was the maternal instinct.  I knew that they needed a mother and they were safe so that was why I was thinking about myself get home as fast as possible.  Luckily we made it home safely and I went to the Y.  Thank you wonderful husband you made my night.

We took B and J to a movie this afternoon.  We had a late afternoon thunderstorm which closed our neighborhood pool.  Don’t we sound so suburban?  Except no one joins our pool for various reasons, mostly the fact that the infrastructure is over thirty years old and showing its age.  It makes me feel old since I remember what it was like in its heyday since I moved to the neighborhood when I was 13.

I digress though.  We saw Kung Fu Panda and I have officially become a dorky mom.  It is hard to find movies that I want to take them to without worrying about the potty humor and the language.  I know I have boys and that potty humor will be a part of my life for a long, long time.  I realize that, but I don’t want to begin this so soon.  So we had seen the previews for Kung Fu Panda and B and J both liked the trailers they saw on the Today Show.  So I looked up Catholic Movie Reviews to see what they said.  They liked it and therefore I went ahead and said we could see it.  I realize that this feeds into my leming like qualities, I should make these decisions myself, but it was quick and easy and I was able to get a feel for the movie before watching it.  And overall, I was pleased.  I didn’t pick up any language that I found offensive.  The story was good and the animation was great.  My biggest problem is going to be explaining why the animals could hit each other but B and J can’t do that.  But I have do that anyway so I will live with it.

We had a nice weekend.  We had friends over for dinner on Saturday night and had a blast. We are so lucky that we have such nice friends.  It makes life so much easier to go through when you have nice people around you.  

Our priest was back from his vacation today.  We go to 9:00 mass and with our previous priest (the one who married us and baptized our children) that meant church started around 9:05-9:15.  If he was really late he said for someone to come and knock on the door to wake him up and he would be right there.  With kids in tow in the morning we fit right in.  Our new priest is wonderful.  However, 9:00 Mass starts at 9:00.  We walked in a few minutes late and missed the procession and opening prayer.  We were already singing the Gloria.  Talk about Catholic guilt from 8 years of parochial school.  It just comes flooding right in.  I could just feel Sister Rosella looking down on me from somewhere.  

After church, T watched the boys while I went shopping for some shorts with one of my sisters and my mom.  I was in dire need of shorts since I only had three pairs and they were too big.  This is a problem I don’t mind having.  Macy’s had a good sale and I ended up getting a bunch of nice new outfits, 6 shorts and 4 tops that I can mix and match all for under $100.  I tend to go for the same colors and this time I was in a red, white and blue mood.  I would like to call this My American Summer.  Which is fitting since I am going to vote in the primary on Tuesday.  What is more patriotic then practicing one’s right to vote.  Even if it is for a political party you don’t agree with, but know that your district will go Republican so I should vote now for the one I want to win in November. 

I can’t remember the last time that I got to go shopping without kids climbing out of the dressing room.  They are quick I tell you.  One minute they are right there with you and the next they climb under the wall to the empty room next to you and voila they are free!  My favorite is chasing J back into the dressing room whilst I was wearing only my bra and underwear.  Luckily modesty goes out the window when you give birth.  Or I just pretend that I am in a play and have to do a quick change backstage.  I mean really what is underwear anyway?  

So thanks T!  I am sorry it took longer then you thought and had to deal with cranky B who did not take a nap but needed too.  And J who hid in the rose bushes because the dreaded sprinklers were on keeping you cool outside.  I had a wonderful afternoon and can now go out of the house without shorts that are not falling off and stained with who knows what!

I got to hold a baby today.  It is amazing how your arms never forget the feel of a small person.  T had inservice today and I got to babysit one of his co-workers two children.   I watched her eldest last year so B and J had fun catching up with an “old” friend.

 J loves babies and was in seventh heaven all day with a four month old in the house.  But I am tired.  I had a 15 minute stretch where there was quiet and I grabbed a quick bite to eat. Having four children under the age of four in one house is tiring.

 Every now and then I ponder another child.  Both T and I come from families of three.  But both of our families have two older ones and then a third with a larger age difference.  I am down with that.  So T does not need to worry that being around a baby today has opened any secret longings for another child.  I like who we are as a family right now.  Ask me again in about 3 years and my answer might be different.

B and J Moments:

J is obsessed with boots as of late.  As soon as he wakes up he says, “boots, boots!” and he puts on cowboy boots or his rain boots and will not take them off until it is nap-time.  Then back on again.  Normally I wouldn’t care but it was almost 100 degrees here today and those boots are hot.  He is going to pass out from heat exhaustion.  

B would not eat again today.  I think the swimming lessons and the heat are messing with him.  He will pick but not eat anything other than fruit.  So dinner was Mandarin oranges, baked ziti (not a noodle touched), salad that he just cut up with his knife and strawberries.  I had my favorite “summer is here” dessert last night of strawberries dipped in sour cream and brown sugar and he wanted some as well.  After he ate a plain strawberry (they were huge) and all of his oranges, we let him have some of the “dessert” toppings.  Funny how sugar can disappear so quickly.  As we took away the bowls, he was desperatly trying to scrape all the sugar out with his stem to suck it off and finally we wrangled it away from him.  He then declares: “Please, I need my sugar. That is how I will grow into a giant. I need to be a giant.”  At least he was polite.